


A Short Walk

by Junker



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 12:36:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13547463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junker/pseuds/Junker
Summary: Shepard and Joker have a conversation about their feelings near the beginning of ME2. Shepard wants to apologize, and Joker doesn't want a relationship.





	A Short Walk

**Author's Note:**

> One of my rapid-fire Valentine's commissions for someone who wanted Soul Survivor Male Shepard and Joker!

“Hey, let’s go for a walk. We’re going to be on Omega for a bit.”

Joker turned in his chair to see Shepard standing just past the entrance to the cockpit. Joker stood up and grabbed his cane from underneath the console. “Yeah, sure,” he said.

Shepard often tried to get Joker off the ship to speak with him out of Cerberus’ earshot. Joker was happy to comply, eager to stretch his legs and get a break from the ship’s AI. They walked out the airlock and through Omega’s docking bay. Joker kept an eye on Shepard. He wore a loose leather jacket Shepard had bought second-hand on Omega as soon as they landed, and he’d found a vial of Salarian blood in the pocket. Joker and Shepard had decided not to talk about it. Despite the lack of armour on Shepard and the suspicious nature of the jacket, Joker felt safe beside him.

Shepard let his pace match Joker’s. Joker assumed Shepard had a destination in mind.

Despite being reborn, Shepard looked tired. He didn’t carry his shoulders with the same confidence Joker remembered, and his eyes were sunken with heavy bags beneath them. Joker softened as he watched him. A large part of him just wanted to wrap his arms under Shepard’s jacket and hug him close, but he thought it’d probably make him feel better more than it would Shepard.

So he asked, “You okay?”

Shepard shook his head absently and then shrugged.

“I know working for Cerberus can’t be easy after Akuze and, well, everything else.”

“It’s not just that,” Shepard said, quickly. “Listen, I just-” 

Shepard looked around and motioned for Joker to follow him off the path with foot traffic. Joker’s stomach grew lighter as he followed Shepard. Was Shepard going to confess something to him? Was it going to be an attraction to him? He wanted to hear it, as much as it scared him. He’d have to say no, of course. He couldn’t maintain a relationship with his superior, let alone someone as important as Shepard. How many nights would he lay awake worrying about him? How many nights did he lay awake already?

It would be too hard, but he wanted to hear it. He wanted Shepard to want him. But he didn’t want the work that’d come with a relationship.

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose for a second and then slackened his shoulders. He said, “I’m sorry.”

Joker laughed, and Shepard looked hurt. Joker said, “For what? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Shepard said, “I don’t regret saving you, but when I was floating in space I realized that - I didn’t want you to feel guilty. I didn’t want you to think that I died because of you.”

Joker smiled. It took everything in him to make it seem genuine. “It’s okay, Shepard.”

Shepard did die because of him. He fucked up and Shepard paid the price for it. Hell, they’d both be with the Alliance now if he hadn’t fucked up so badly.

“I don’t think it is,” Shepard said.

Joker kept his smile strong. He deserved a fucking award for his performance. He said, “It’s fine. Cerberus brought you back. I - it’s okay.”

Shepard watched his face for any signs of a lie. Joker had stammered. He had fallen apart without Shepard - hell, most of the crew did. The only thing that pulled Joker out of his spiral was the slim chance Cerberus could bring him back. He might have even made a deal with the Reapers for that chance. He’d been that desperate.

But Shepard didn’t need any more weight on his shoulders. He didn’t need to know.

Joker grinned and said, “Hey, you can consider it a good thing. If you hadn’t saved me and I died on the SR-1, no one would have done that for me. At least this way we’re both here. I mean, I do like being alive.”

Shepard smiled weakly. “You’re almost right,” he said, “except I would have done anything to bring you back.”

Joker’s smile started to fade. He didn’t want Shepard to see. He slid his arms under Shepard’s jacket. One hand traced up Shepard’s back while the other still held onto his cane. Hugging Shepard tightly, he pressed his face against Shepard’s chest. Shepard hesitated for a second. Joker wasn’t sure why. Shepard hugged Joker back gently, too cautious, too careful. He rested his head on top of Joker’s and tightened his grip.

Joker breathed Shepard in. He was terrified. What would his face tell Shepard when he finally let go? Would he even let go? How many nights would he lie awake and worry about losing him again? Would anything ever feel as good as this hug felt now? At least they were together this mission. They’d either come back together or not at all. And that scared the hell out of him too. The fact that he could die. The fact that he was happy he was risking everything for Shepard.

Shepard loosened his grip and said, “You ask me all the time, but I don’t think I’ve asked you since I - since I got back. Are you okay, Jeff?”

Shepard saying his name aloud surprised him. It almost sounded foreign, as if they’d always spoken different languages and the translator was broken. He was taken aback; he wasn’t sure what to reply. Sometimes he was fine. Sometimes he wasn’t. Mostly he didn’t know what the hell he was doing if he wasn’t flying the Normandy, and the ship’s AI didn’t even let that feel normal anymore.

He released Shepard and simply replied, “You don’t need to worry about me, Commander.”

“Cerberus will never really give a shit about us,” Shepard said. “If we’re not looking out for each other, no one is.”

Joker rubbed the back of his neck and looked away for a moment. He’d have to tell Shepard something to get him off his back. He couldn’t tell him how much Shepard sacrificing himself crushed him. He couldn’t do anything that would rattle him. Shepard needed to be focussed.

He looked back at Shepard. Devastatingly handsome despite how exhausted he looked. Tall. Broad. Chiselled features. The Alliance’s Poster Boy. It occurred to him that Shepard would never like him back. He doubted Shepard would even give a second thought about turning him down. There was his out.

“It’s kind of dumb,” Joker said, rubbing his arm. “I just - I really like you. You know, romantically.”

Shepard laughed - hard. Joker wasn’t sure he’d seen him so happy since he’d been reborn.

Joker said, “Okay, that’s a little insulting.” 

“No,” Shepard said, quickly. He touched Joker’s arm and watched his eyes. “No, I really like you too.”

Joker’s brain screamed, “SHIT SHIT SHIT,” and Joker tried to keep his breath steady as he articulately replied, “Wait, what?”

“I realized it when we first looked at the SR-2 together,” Shepard said. “Standing there with you, I didn’t need anyone else. You were the only one I wanted to be with.”

Joker tried not to panic, and Shepard gave him a broad smile. Christ, he wanted this, didn’t he? Part of him really wanted it. And what Shepard said was really sweet. He remembered wanting to hold Shepard’s hand in that moment. Maybe Shepard had been thinking the same thing.

Joker said, “Do you really want this thought? A relationship.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“We’d need some ground rules.”

“Right. I won’t give you any blowjobs while you’re trying to fly,” Shepard said.

“What?” Joker said. Now he’d never get that thought of his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

Shepard took a step back and deflated some. Joker softened, and after a beat of silence Shepard asked, “Wait, do you want a relationship with me?”

Joker hesitated. He hated himself for it, and Shepard hugged himself. Before he could figure out what to reply, Shepard said, “You don’t.”

“It’s not that.”

“I’ve already died once,” Shepard said. “If we start dating, a countdown timer will start in your head, right? Except you don’t know when it’ll reach the end.”

Joker didn’t reply. Shepard was falling apart too quickly and he didn’t know what to say to piece him back together. Shepard said, “You told me because you thought I’d never be interested. You just wanted me off your back. I should have known better than to think you’d ever actually open up to me.”

“What? No.”

“You’ve barely talked about yourself since I’ve been back. I thought maybe it was because Cerberus was monitoring us, but even when we’re alone like this, you keep me out. You treat me like they do – like I’m just an expendable super soldier.” Shepard straightened up and said, “You’re so fucking selfish.”

Joker laughed sharply. Oh, he had a response to that. “Everything I’ve done for the past two years was to get you back. I abandoned the Alliance - the only people who’ve ever really believed in me, by the way - for a fucking terrorist organization. For you. I wouldn’t describe most parts of my life as easy but these past two years Shepard, they’ve been fucking hard. I didn’t want to dump all that on you.”

“Because you felt guilty.”

“Because I don’t know what to do with my life if you’re not in it.”

Shepard frowned. “As a friend.”

“Honestly, Shepard, I’m not sure I can get that hurt again.”

They stood in a stalemate. Both a little angry, both a little hurt. Shepard softened first. “Okay,” Shepard said with a nod. “I’m sorry I snapped. If you just want to be friends, we’ll just pretend this whole conversation never happened.”

Joker rubbed the back of his neck again. It was a kind offer, and there was no way Shepard would follow through with it. He knew Shepard would mention it from time to time. “I don’t know if I want that either. I mean, what if we both die at the end of this? Was it better to just ignore our feelings?”

Shepard offered Joker a cautious smile. “So you want to try?”

Joker watched Shepard. He knew anyone would tell him he was an idiot for turning a man like Shepard down, and their connection ran deeper than that. He’d already given so much to Shepard, he wasn’t sure how much he had left to give. Worry would wrack him either way, and they weren’t in the Alliance anymore. The chain of command was a bit more muddled. Plus, did he even give a shit about Cerberus’ rules?

Joker nodded. It scared the hell out of him, but he kept his voice steady as he said, “Yeah.”

With his smile widening, Shepard leaned over slightly and wrapped one arm around Joker’s back. Joker watched Shepard’s eyes with Shepard only looking at him. Joker tilted his head upwards and Shepard filled the space between them. Their noses brushed together and Joker thought about how dry his lips probably were. He cupped Shepard’s cheek in his hand and rested his thumb against Shepard’s chin. He felt the stubble and wondered how many shaves Shepard would have to miss before it went soft.

Joker kissed him softly, and Shepard responded in kind. He hugged Joker a bit tighter to him, and Joker kissed him deeper, spreading Shepard’s lips with his own. Shepard lifted Joker up and pressed him back against a wall to help support him. A heat ached through Joker as Shepard kissed him harder. He thought he’d lose himself in Shepard’s touch.

Breaking the kiss, Joker said, “Wait.”

Shepard complied, and Joker rested his forehead against Shepard’s. He had to admit, he did like being taller than him, but if he was into the whole lifting thing, he wasn’t ready to admit it yet. Joker said, “I’m not sure making out in a street on Omega is something I want to keep doing.”

“You’d rather Cerberus watch us make out? I didn’t know you were into being watched. I could get into that.”

“I know you’re joking,” Joker said, “but I completely forgot about that. Where are we going to feel comfortable doing this?”

Shepard smiled. “We’ll find a place. Aria has VIP rooms. Besides, I should take you on a date before we get too hot and heavy.”

“You want to take me on a date?”

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “I’m sure there are a few decent restaurants around here.”

Joker smiled. He hadn’t expected any aspect of their relationship to be normal, but here Shepard was, trying to treat it like it was. “Okay. We pay our own way though.”

“Uh, you’re probably going to pay,” Shepard said. “The only money I have is shit I find during a firefight.”

“Great,” Joker said with a laugh. “I knew you were only into me for my money.”

“And I’ve seen your flying skills,” Shepard said. “I bet you’re real good with your hands.”

Joker shook his head. “Could you just set me down?”

“Oh yeah,” Shepard said, setting Joker back down. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No, I’m fine,” Joker said, a bit huffy. “My pride’s a little hurt.”

“Maybe we could get you lifts.”

“And my pride is still hurting, apparently. We both know Cerberus made you taller.”

“They did not,” Shepard said, laughing.

They started to walk back towards the Normandy. Part of Joker still worried he wasn’t making the right decision. Shepard lightly brushed the back of his hand against Joker’s. Joker took Shepard’s hand in his own, almost rolling his eyes at the fact that he had to make the first move.

Shepard said, “So, what do we tell EDI?”

“Shepard, are we going to have to stop walking to talk about the ground rules?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Okay,” Joker said, pulling Shepard back off the walking path. “First, ‘No blowjobs while Joker’s flying,’ is not a rule.”

Shepard laughed, and Joker tried to keep a straight face as he said, “I’m not joking Shepard. I think the rule will be, ‘At least 20% of all blowjobs will be while Joker is in the comfy chair, regardless of whether or not he is currently flying the Normandy.’”

Shepard tried to stop laughing. The weight of Joker’s fears was suddenly not so heavy. He was so happy just to be with Shepard, and he loved helping Shepard return to his old self. Shepard replied, “And what do I get?”

Joker smiled and said, “You get the best part. You get me.”

Grinning, Shepard said, “You’re not wrong.”

Shepard kissed him again.

**Author's Note:**

> • [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JunkerFics) • [Tumblr](https://junkerfics.tumblr.com/) • [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/community/Not%20a%20Main%20Character) • 


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